Why Am I Doing This?

I've lost a lot in this life - my parents, my brother, my best friend, misc loves & likes & all sorts of things in between. And still, here I sit at 43....feeling ungrateful. 

Ungrateful for the life I have, for the family I have left, for my well paying job and the house and all the things that job lets me have. I try to be grateful each day, but I struggle. I struggle every single day. And I don't like to struggle. Who the hell actually likes to struggle, especially with something like this??

So I want to hold myself accountable on this journey. I want - no - I NEED to be more grateful for everything. All of it. We are only on this planet for so long and I have to stop being angry and start being grateful. I hope that, at some point in all of this, I become happier and I can look at my losses with some level of gratitude, with more smiles and less sadness.